Finding happiness
by Norileaf
Summary: Onoda is thinking about his relationship and past with Deguchi, and what it is that makes him truly happy. A short story to the side story/spin-off 'Soredemo Yasashii koi wo suru'/ 'Yasashii uso ha minoranai'. One-shot. Mentions of gay sex/ yaoi, but mostly sweetness.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own the manga or any of the characters included in this story. And that's okay, because I believe they are just fine in the care of Yoneda-sensei.

**author's note:** 'Soredemo yasashii koi wo suru' is my favourite manga of all times. When they announced the tankobon I was so so so happy. I purchased the tankobon as well as the ebook, and read through it thirty times at least.

I really love OnodaxDeguchi, because I think they are a very sweet and honest couple. I cannot even say whom of both I like more because they are really awesome and deep characters, each in his own way.

So, if there is anybody out there who doesn't know about this manga or any works of Yoneda Kou, please go and read them!

Usually I don't write short fanfiction, and English is not my native language. So if there are any grammatical points that disturb you, please forgive me. Nevertheless, I would be happy if you point out mistakes to me that I am making frequently.

_**- Finding happiness - **_

He lay awake, one arm folded underneath his head. Next to him he could see the silouette of his sleeping lover, whose chest was moving up and down under his steady but calm breath.

'How long has it already been?', he thought as he stretched out his hand to touch the other man's brown hair. 'About two years...'

Onoda Ryo loved the soft feeling between his fingers, like silk with a fine golden shine to it. He loved it so much that he sometimes had a hard time not to touch it at any given opportunity. Five years ago, he had never been thinking about wanting to touch Deguchi Harumi's hair. They had been normal drinking buddies, and those kinds of affection would have been very inappropriate in that kind of relationship. But, considering that Deguchi had been suffering from unrequited love towards him the whole time, maybe touches of that nature would have been very welcomed.

Sometimes Onoda couldn't help but wonder if things between them would have worked out the same if the other one had confessed to him earlier. It was indeed a tough question with no clear answer to it. In contrary to the brunett, he himself had been straight for the first 27 years of his life.

Straight...

They once had had a fight about it. Deguchi had claimed that Onoda always had a way out of their relationship and the complicated feelings that were involved in being part of a male couple, while he himself would always only be able to like men and never fall in love again seriously with anybody else. Back then, Onoda had told him that he didn't want to have that wall between them, being created through words like 'gay' or 'straight'. Their relationship could only work out if both of them accepted that they were equal. Deguchi understood his point and complied with it, so only occasionally one of those words would slip past his lips by mere accident.

"I wonder", Onoda mumbled to himself, playing with another strand of brown hair, "if you can call yourself 'straight' or even 'bi' when the only person that you've ever loved with your whole heart is a man..."

He heaved a deep sigh and let his fingers slighty brush against the soft skin of Deguchi's arm. At times like this, when he was able to watch his lover's sleeping face with that calm expression, he felt his chest tighten.

He would always remember how, when they became friends, he would usually think that Deguchi's smile was a mere sign of his friendly and light-hearted attitude. Just like the smile of a man who had nothing to worry about, because he was that type of person who would tackle all problems head-on and succeed at everything eventually.

That was until the day Deguchi had confessed to him and Onoda learnt that he was actually hiding a lot of worries. That even those bright eyes, which had been comforting and calming during their many conversations, could hold so much pain and anxiety. Deguchi would squeeze them slightly half-shut and avert his gaze, for he was much too afraid to show his weak side in front of others. At the time of his confession his mask had cracked, spilling all of his emotions out in the open, no matter how hard he had been trying to stay composed.

Seeing all those hurt and fear caused by -him-, Onoda had felt an unbearable sorrow deep down in his body. He didn't want to be the reason for him to shed even one tear, not back then and not anytime, now or in the future. If he could make Deguchi keep on smiling, then this would be enough for himself to be the happiest man in the world. The very moment he had recognized this one and only wish of his, he had known that he had fallen in love.

Onoda lifted his arm, put it across his lover's body and drew closer to snuggle against him. Now it was winter, but even on hot summer nights he would cuddle up against Deguchi ever so often to be as close to him as possible. Even when he pressed so tightly against him, that there was absolutely no space left between them, he still felt the urge to pull him closer until their bodies would melt into each other. Then he would be able to know how wonderful it felt to be right next to Deguchi's heart; to be under his skin and to feel everything the other man was feeling. Of course such a thing was impossible, and Onoda highly doubted that he would be able to stand all these emotions - his own and Deguchi's - at the same time.

Sometimes, when Deguchi took off Onoda's glasses, pressed his lips against the bridge of his nose and stayed like that for a very long moment, he was unshakeably sure that they both were feeling the same. They could be lying, holding each other for hours without even sharing one word, and be completely content just by caressing each other's cheeks and hands.

On rare occasions when they went to the bars Deguchi had been frequenting in his single-era, they were usually told to stop being all lovey-dovey in public and get themselves a hotel room instead. Onoda had always thought that this was a mere exaggeration, until Togawa had pointed out exactly the same thing while Shima, who had been sitting next to him, was blushing. And that was an unmistakable sign for his consent to Togawa's words.

As for Onoda himself, he didn't care anymore what other's were thinking. He didn't mind Deguchi slipping his hand into his own when they were sitting next to each other in the train. He didn't mind giving him a peck on the cheek or mouth in front of their apartment before he left for work. There was nothing to be ashamed of, but so much to cherish.

"Harumi", he whispered as he pressed his forehead against the brunett's shoulder.

"Listening."

Surprised by the silent response, he lifted his head a little to watch his face. "I am sorry. I thought you were sleeping..."

"I was, until you began squeezing me with your death grip. For somebody working in the IT section you sure have strong arms."

"I am sorry", he repeated and kissed Deguchi's cheek as he softened his embrace. "I guess I was just lost in my thoughts."

"Will you let me share in those thoughts?"

Onoda closed his eyes and leaned his head against his shoulder again. "I was just thinking how happy I am for you, that you were finally able to connect with the person you have been loving for three whole years."

Soft fingers touched the palm of his left hand and entangled with his own fingers.

"I just feel sorry for the guy who has to put up with all my bad traits."

"Like your smoking?"

"Like my smoking."

"Like the way you shamelessly talk about dirty things?"

"Well, I have good reason to believe that my significant other actually likes it. Especially in the bedroom."

Onoda felt his face grow hot, but let out a soft chuckle. "I sure won't answer to that."

"Awww, that's too bad..."

He felt himself drifting off into sleep, when he was woken again by Deguchi's voice.

"I didn't know I was your first real love. What's with Shima and that one ex-girlfriend of yours, for that matter?"

"You heard that too?", he asked a little embarrassed.

"You cannot expect me to stay asleep while you are petting my head, can you? So, what's your answer?"

Understanding fully well that Deguchi wanted him to make some sweet confessions about his feelings towards him, he gave in. "It's hardly comparable. To be honest, I did have feelings for them. But looking back at it from the point, I am at now, maybe it was because I hadn't experienced real love yet and couldn't compare my feelings to anything. Now, I'd rather say I had a crush on them."

"Still makes you bi, at least."

"I cannot believe I said that out loud", he whined and tried to bury his face deeper into the small space between Deguchi's shoulder and the pillow.

"And there he goes, seducing me with all of his cuteness."

"I am not seducing you...!"

"Believe me, you are." Deguchi turned over to his left to get better access to his lover's face, and placed a sweet kiss on his lips. "This is your last chance to tell me if you are feeling too sleepy."

Onoda put his hand behind the other man's neck and pulled him close again to kiss him in return, this time a lot deeper. Deguchi didn't need to ask further to guess the answer, and he was completely satisfied with the way things were going.

As their kisses grew deeper and tongues began intruding into each other's mouths, teasing every place they were able to reach, Onoda could feel Deguchi's hands tracing the lines of his muscles. The places of his skin, that had been touched, were tickling with a warm sensation, even after those hands continued their journey and the contact was broken.

"Harumi", he murmured between kisses and the other one, upon hearing his name, let his lips go and smiled mildly.

"My my, you are calling me by my given name. Seems you are absolutely smitten with me today."

Onoda puffed his cheeks a little and looked up to his lover's face shyly. "I... I was just wondering how nice it would feel to be closer to you", he confessed.

"That's hardly possible, given that you are holding me already, with the both of us being naked, I might add."

"That's not what I was trying to say", he replied, face reddening again. "How shall I put it? ...Sometimes, I would just like to feel exactly the same things you are feeling."

Deguchi laughed a little and playfully ran his tongue along his throat. "Sounds like somebody is volunteering for the bottom tonight."

The black-haired man covered his face with both hands as he remembered the last and only time they had tried that. "I am really scared that I will spoil it again...", he stated in a low voice.

"That's why I told you that 'preparation' by watching movies or reading guides on the internet is prone to fail."

Deguchi withdrew Onoda's hands and kissed his fingers in an assuring way. "Just leave it up to me this time. I know what I am doing."

"Promise...?"

Deguchi once again kissed his hands comfortingly and gave him a bright smile. "Sometimes it is really hard to bear with your adorableness." He kissed his nose. "I will be gentle." He kissed both of his cheeks. "I promise not to hurt you." And finally he kissed his lips. "Because all I wish for is for you to be happy, Ryo."

Onoda felt a slight shiver run through his body at the mention of his own name. Those gentle fingers, those soft lips, those beautiful eyes and that honest smile - he couldn't help but think that he wanted them all for himself. He wanted to embrace his lover, feel every inch of his body and make sure that everything was in its rightful place: by his side.

"I love you, Harumi."

"Let's hear it again after we are finished."

"... what's that supposed to mean?!"

Deguchi laughed and captured his lips in another kiss.

"Just joking, I'll be gentle. Because I love you."

- end -


End file.
